To start ‘Becoming Self-Full’ series, let’s do a bit of self introduction, here are a list of questions & answers where I asked myself, and for you to ask yourself too.
–> Listen to audio here: Who am I? Audio
Q: Who am I?
I decided to answer in different context, from the mind (identity) to the physical body to the soul (energy).
My Identity – I was given a name called Pan Vic Qi, Pan is my surname, Vic Qi (wee-kee) is how usually people address me. I now go by the name – Namaya Meraki Pan. I am the eldest among my siblings, and I labeled myself as an artist where I express myself in many ways – arts, words, movements, music. I have been hosting social events starting with an intention to connect with people, my journey started with The Global Eye Contact Experiment in October 2016.
The Mind – Waking up every morning entering the conscious state, this mind is greeted with continuous thoughts, mostly repetitive (with more gratitude nowadays) – an on going ‘me and my story’. New realisation happened in 2016, the awareness is awakened at a 10-day silent Vipassana retreat, where the mind is able to not identify with the thoughts, at times. Where the ‘I am’ is aware of the one who speaks and the one who listen.
Physical Body – I have a 28-year old body who live either in Kuala Lumpur or Gopeng of Malaysia. I am lucky to be raised surrounded by nature, mountains, caves and rivers with different kind of animals. I love my face features and my height, and I am super grateful for the healthy body and organs which I do my best to walk longer everyday.
The soul (energy) – I am one with the source of creation, an infinite energy. I am you. I am the tree by the road, the cat by the street, the air you breath, the fire that burns, the rain that pours. I am loving awareness. I am pure consciousness. I am the observer of the experiencer in this lifetime. I am the silence in between these words, in between breath. I am. I.
Q: What are your beliefs?
I believe in energy, my religion is love, my God is the source of all creation, which I am. Recent discovery on the atoms of our body consist of 99.9999% empty space, which is the same component with the universe. Meaning 99.9999% of what we see is pure energy vibrating in fast speed.
I believe we create our own reality 100% all the time. What you focus (thoughts) most of the time, consciously or unconsciously, is what we get in the physical world. If we want to create a different reality, we need to focus on what we want (intention) and feel good (emotions) about it.
Though, I am open to unlearn and relearn as I experience life.
“Change is the only constant’
Q: Where am I now, at the stage of transformation?
I am here. Now. =) Right where I need to be.
Q: What is your biggest fear?
Fear of my greatness (power), what I am able to be , to do with it. I am aware of the old programming where I tend to sabotage myself when I am about to create something of the vision I had, I would stop myself from dipping further. I would distract myself with other matters. Interestingly enough, it’s almost like a thick spider web (which I created) to stop myself from going through.
Given the awareness that I am light, so as the others, we all have light within us. I am releasing the beliefs that I needed to seek permission from others to make things come true. I release the need to seek validation from others. Now, I am putting the best intention to share my gifts each moment while feeling damn good about it.
Q: What is your core wound?
My core wound, which I have discovered so far, is the wound of unworthiness (ouch). Feeling not worthy of being loved the way I desired (not anymore, I deserve the most loving relationship, with self and others). A feeling not worthy of sharing my thoughts, my ideas, my stories to people. Feeling I am not worthy of people’s attention and time. I learned my throat chakra was not activated since young as I stopped myself from speaking my truth due to self-esteem issue.
Now, I am activating the throat chakra and practising speaking my truth daily. I realised I can sing, my voice is loud and sound and I deserve to be heard. So are your voice. Remember, everything is helping everything, I am grateful for the wound and teachers along the way.
Q: What is your relationship with yourself?
I have a very loving relationship with myself. The inner child (little Vic Qi) feel safe with the higher self (soul). Insecurities might be triggered at times, but the bigger Vic Qi is always there to hear Little Vic Qi out, be there for her while she goes through emotional cycle, soothe her and love her for who she is. I am enjoying the solitude time, even addicted sometimes, because I am not alone, that is the time where I am in tune (listen) to my higher self and spiritual guides.
We (little and bigger Vic Qi) have fall apart many times, breaking many kinds of self images built since young, burning the beliefs that does not serve us now, and rebuild the foundation again and again. I suspect this process will keep going on, like peeling off the onion layers to the core of pure consciousness.
To rediscover who you are, truly, are you willing to let go (unlearn) what you have been taught so far? And relearn with you own personal direct experience.
If you have already started the journey, I am happy for you. If you are wondering, put your hands on your heart, feel it. What does it says?
Whenever you are ready, we are always here.
Love & blessings,
12 December 2019