Before We Begin.. Who am I? 

Photo on 11-12-2019 at 3.05 PM

To start ‘Becoming Self-Full’ series, let’s do a bit of self introduction, here are a list of questions & answers where I asked myself, and for you to ask yourself too.

–> Listen to audio here: Who am I? Audio


Q: Who am I? 

I decided to answer in different context, from the mind (identity) to the physical body to the soul (energy).

My Identity – I was given a name called Pan Vic Qi, Pan is my surname, Vic Qi (wee-kee) is how usually people address me. I now go by the name – Namaya Meraki Pan. I am the eldest among my siblings, and I labeled myself as an artist where I express myself in many ways – arts, words, movements, music. I have been hosting social events starting with an intention to connect with people, my journey started with  The Global Eye Contact Experiment in October 2016.

The Mind – Waking up every morning entering the conscious state, this mind is greeted with continuous thoughts, mostly repetitive (with more gratitude nowadays) – an on going ‘me and my story’. New realisation happened in 2016, the awareness is awakened at a 10-day silent Vipassana retreat, where the mind is able to not identify with the thoughts, at times. Where the ‘I am’ is aware of the one who speaks and the one who listen.

Physical Body – I have a 28-year old body who live either in Kuala Lumpur or Gopeng of Malaysia. I am lucky to be raised surrounded by nature, mountains, caves and rivers with different kind of animals. I love my face features and my height, and I am super grateful for the healthy body and organs which I do my best to walk longer everyday.

The soul (energy) – I am one with the source of creation, an infinite energy. I am you. I am the tree by the road, the cat by the street, the air you breath, the fire that burns, the rain that pours. I am loving awareness. I am pure consciousness. I am the observer of the experiencer in this lifetime. I am the silence in between these words, in between breath. I am. I.


Q: What are your beliefs? 

I believe in energy, my religion is love, my God is the source of all creation, which I am. Recent discovery on the atoms of our body consist of 99.9999% empty space, which is the same component with the universe. Meaning 99.9999% of what we see is pure energy vibrating in fast speed.

I believe we create our own reality 100% all the time. What you focus (thoughts) most of the time, consciously or unconsciously, is what we get in the physical world. If we want to create a different reality, we need to focus on what we want (intention) and feel good (emotions) about it.

Though, I am open to unlearn and relearn as I experience life.

“Change is the only constant’


Q: Where am I now, at the stage of transformation?

I am here. Now. =) Right where I need to be.


Q: What is your biggest fear? 

Fear of my greatness (power), what I am able to be , to do with it. I am aware of the old programming where I tend to sabotage myself when I am about to create something of the vision I had, I would stop myself from dipping further. I would distract myself with other matters. Interestingly enough, it’s almost like a thick spider web (which I created) to stop myself from going through.

Given the awareness that I am light, so as the others, we all have light within us. I am releasing the beliefs that I needed to seek permission from others to make things come true. I release the need to seek validation from others. Now, I am putting the best intention to share my gifts each moment while feeling damn good about it.


Q: What is your core wound?

My core wound, which I have discovered so far, is the wound of unworthiness (ouch). Feeling not worthy of being loved the way I desired (not anymore, I deserve the most loving relationship, with self and others). A feeling not worthy of sharing my thoughts, my ideas, my stories to people. Feeling I am not worthy of people’s attention and time. I learned my throat chakra was not activated since young as I stopped myself from speaking my truth due to self-esteem issue.

Now, I am activating the throat chakra and practising speaking my truth daily. I realised I can sing, my voice is loud and sound and I deserve to be heard. So are your voice. Remember, everything is helping everything, I am grateful for the wound and teachers along the way.


Q: What is your relationship with yourself?

I have a very loving relationship with myself. The inner child (little Vic Qi) feel safe with the higher self (soul). Insecurities might be triggered at times, but the bigger Vic Qi is always there to hear Little Vic Qi out, be there for her while she goes through emotional cycle, soothe her and love her for who she is. I am enjoying the solitude time, even addicted sometimes, because I am not alone, that is the time where I am in tune (listen) to my higher self and spiritual guides.

We (little and bigger Vic Qi) have fall apart many times, breaking many kinds of self images built since young, burning the beliefs that does not serve us now,  and rebuild the foundation again and again. I suspect this process will keep going on, like peeling off the onion layers to the core of pure consciousness.


Your turn. 

To rediscover who you are, truly, are you willing to let go (unlearn) what you have been taught so far? And relearn with you own personal direct experience.

If you have already started the journey, I am happy for you. If you are wondering, put your hands on your heart, feel it. What does it says?

Whenever you are ready, we are always here.








Love & blessings,

Meraki Pan

12 December 2019

A Special ‘Gift’ For Yourself: Becoming Self-Full


December is a season of gifts and celebration, I have been receiving a lot throughout the year, so here are my kind of ‘Gifts’ for you. I hope it will help you moves through uncomfortable transformation period.

Here We Go..

PS: —–> You may listen to the audio version on Soundcloud here: (10 minutes).

Or watch the video below:  

I would love to shed some light on ways to becoming our unique self and reclaiming our power via this series – “Becoming Self-full: somewhere in between selfish and selflessness.”

Especially this year, I have been constantly told that I am a selfish person, which I am happy when I receive such comments because it means I really took care of myself (coming from a place that I was not before).

Therefore, this gift is an invitation for you to give yourself permission to be yourself fully, the permission to communicate your needs, and the permission to go for what your heart desires.


Understanding Selfish, Selfless and Self-Full 

Being told ‘selfish’ multiple times, I tend to put myself into seemingly society rejected way of behaviour. Thankfully, I listened to Oprah Winfrey and Iyanla Vanzant’s conversation on Youtube: ‘Why You Should Put Yourself First’ where Iyanla mentioned, it’s not selfish to put yourself first—it’s self-full. The importance of filling our cup first, then what overflowing its for others. This changed my perspective, when I was being told I am selfish, the mind instantly shift to ‘self-full’.

 Here are my definitions:

Self-ish is where we put me-first, me-only excluding others.

  • Egocentric, power driven;
  • Prevents you from giving yourself;
  • Rooted in insecurity by not having enough thus create separation.

Self-less is where we put other needs before own needs.

  • Giving without personal gain;
  • Tendency to be self sacrificing, self criticism, self depreciating;
  • Tendency to act passively with the need of approval from others.

And, somewhere in between, there is..

Self-Full is an overflowing love from within to give to self and others.

  • Enables you to give yourself with no intention to harm others;
  • A healthy boundary so we have more to give ourselves and overflowing to others;
  • Knowing you are enough which we give permission for others to do the same for themselves.


Back to Becoming Self-Full series..


This Series is Especially Designed For Givers

For those who associate as ‘energetically sensitive people’ and with these energies: healers, light workers, empaths, artists, musicians, teachers, dancers, leaders, facilitators and caretakers.


How will you benefit from these sharing?

  1. My intention is to create a space for us to discover our essence, that we are pure consciousness and everything is energy.
  2. Then, how can we tap into the state of consciousness to express (communicate) our deepest needs and;
  3. You will feel good as it transforms our relationship with ourselves and our loved ones.


What Are The 5 Topics?

We will start by acknowledging our feelings, release the need to be validated by others, set healthier boundaries, speak our deepest need, and resolve the difficult conversations before 2020 arrives.

We have:

  1. ‘Feel Your Feelings’,
  2. ‘Release old Programmings’,
  3. ‘Set Healthy Boundaries’,
  4. ‘Speak Your Truth (Be Assertive)’,
  5. ‘Ways to Resolve Conflict’.


How Can You Start? 

Stay tuned to this blog post, my facebook post, instagram post, I will be sharing the series starting on the 16th December to 20th December 2019. If you would love to receive via email, kindly let me know here:

I intend to share this learnings and open to receive any means of exchange in funds, wisdom, healthy food, and more opportunities to share. Special notes will be made for people in need with special charges to appreciate the effort on creating the notes.


Consider This..


Give yourself the permission to fall apart, to rebuild, to create the life you have always wanted by first allowing the change from within. This is an invitation to reclaim your power from something outside of yourself (relationships, career, wealth, children etc) back to your core self – consciousness.

Once we take good care of our needs knowing we deserve and we are worthy, we would create ripple effects on people around us, and thus create a harmonious collective as a whole. We do not need to fix the world or rescue others, just begin to heal ourselves, it will help the collective.

To grow, stay uncomfortable.


Much Love & Blessings,

Meraki Pan

10 December 2019





Ascension: The Uncomfortable Process after Unconditional Love Activation

Dear one,


As one might know the Earth’s grid energy is shifting with increasing vibration, as beings on Earth, we adjust our own frequencies according to the planet. One who considered as Light workers may have rise above the collective consciousness in terms of energy (frequencies or vibration), which I am experiencing now.

During the ascending journey, I feel very uncomfortable thus here am I sharing what happens during the process after the activation of unconditional love (ascension) and 5 learnings throughout the journey.

(You may Listen here: Audio on Soundcloud (10 minutes))

I am very honoured to receive constant guidance on light activation and transmission until recently I followed the heart to completely flow in life. After letting go of thoughts, emotions, things, codependency traits that does not serve me, I choose to explore consciousness in ways that I was guided to. I dive deep into an unconditional love relationship, not the typical romance relationship I was familiar with (brought up with), it is so much more than that.

I learned and accepted that “relationship makes you conscious, not happy”. Quote Eckhart Tolle.

This has allowed me to delve in deeper by integrating my divine feminine and divine masculine archetypes, and bringing the mind, heart and soul into oneness. As far as I can remember, although it felt a sense of familiarity, yet it is a very new experience in this physical world. Every moment, now, has given me such newness, aliveness and fresh feelings with the inner knowing affirming me ‘this is it, it is what it is’.

On the other hand, on the contrary, many uncomfortable emotions (perhaps unresolved issues) buried within are brought up to light. I learned that as we ascend, we choose to be, to allow the truth to surface. Before this, I was avoiding and procrastinating ‘this’ as I do not want to face the inner fear. Right after the activation, I am (still) going through a ride where many emotions, feelings, thoughts surface in the mind wanting to be released. There are times where I judge myself, what I learned is to allow self judgment to bring these emotions into the light with compassion.

For example, I would feel very insecure when some needs are not met at certain points, almost fall into an obsession for attention with bombarded thoughts like “I am not enough”, “i am abandoned” etc. Then, this is where I practise to observe thoughts like passing clouds whenever I am aware. At times, I would look for something to distract myself, but the thirst within me is worsen whenever I ignore it.

So, how do I deal with this? There are 5 learnings from this experience.

I learn to observe and shift my state of consciousness.

It is a continuous process of awareness, observation, blessing, letting go and repeat. Until one day, I tap into the Christ consciousness and Guan Yin light state, these compulsive thoughts have ceased from entering the bliss state. I learned how to alter my state by being in silence, connecting my higher self and higher realms. There is only bliss and pure joy. Well, one thing to note though, as life is impermanence, change is the only constant, my state of consciousness are different every time. I love what Sri Ramana Maharshi said, “silence is the eternal speech and it is the speech that interrupts that language.” I am making time for silence more often now.

I learn to keep forgiving myself and lead my inner child.

“Forgive yourself whenever you feel not enough”, is what I did every time these thoughts passes by. I welcome it, let it come and let it go, without much interpretation to turn it into a story or identify with it. Ho’oponopono the ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness which helps me every time when the thoughts appear, I would say to my inner child “I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you and I thank you” whenever I feel not enough. Letting her know I am here with her now, together, we bless the past memories as a mean of awakening to who we are now.

I learn to release the limiting beliefs.

These attributes from within are also called shadows, it is meant to be acknowledged and released as these attributes do not sync with the higher vibration. Do note that these releasing can only be done by ourselves, could use the help of some healers to bring them into your awareness, but we are the one who take the responsibility to maintain that. I would recommend any releasing method such as EFT (emotional freedom techniques) tapping on 9 points of the body to release the accumulated stress. And I was introduced to Lindwall Releasing method where I was guided to release the limiting memories from the past, many beliefs were brought into my awareness and to be released, yet most importantly is to maintain the daily releasing work.

I learn to dig into my core wounds of unworthiness.

I love the metaphor where it is as if we are taking care of the garden (subconscious mind), instead of dealing with one plant (repressed or unresolved issue) at a time, we find out the root cause (core wounds) for healing. We could ask for help from the subconscious mind, tap into deep inner knowing from within, ask to bring us into the core wounds – insecurities, fear of abandonment, unworthiness etc. I found my core wound would linger around the unworthiness and this is where I put my focus on healing. Energy flows where attention goes.

I learn to treat myself better with change of environment and habit of eating.

One good way to ease this process is to allow the mind, body and soul to be aligned in single line, giving the right substances (food, media consumption, environment) also helps. Let the heart brings all into alignment. I have removed myself from the familiar clutter and noise, I follow my body to only eat when I am hungry, with constant silence moments, I found myself needed less sleep with higher energy level. Such energy allows me to spread joy to people around me.

This whole journey is said to be a reconfiguring state into a format of singular alignment. The inner healing work you are working on yourself benefits the collective as the whole. Healing is a process, may you honour parts of you which needed healing and may you ask for help when needed. May you build a life that is a reflection of love.

I am looking to share about co-commitment relationship next. =)

Heal yourself first,


2nd December 2019

Grieving Over A 7-Year Relationship

I am in the process of grieving over my recently ended relationship with my ex-partner. One whom witness my growth since I was 19 years old till today.

We were good friends since I knew him, one whom I feel safe with. We then developed 10 years of friendship with 7 years of romantic relationship. Why did we ended up separated? Pretty much the same reasons I found in this article: 10 Lessons I Learned About Grief From Ending My 10-Year Marriage.

From the article: “…there were things that I wanted out of life that I wasn’t getting in the marriage. This included things like sexual intimacy, support for my creative passions, shared enthusiasm for opportunities to travel and explore.

Faced with the option of staying in my marriage and sacrificing who I was or leaving the relationship in order to become who I needed to become, I chose the latter.”

I appreciate and honour his presence this far, he is my soul teacher. During this period, I am allowing what I needed to feel now, with many blessings from the people around and online. Sometimes, I do feel the need to express and I would choose to share here. So someone might be benefited from the similar situation.

“As the poet Robert Frost wrote, ‘the only way round is through,'”

I acknowledge what we have been through together, the shared memories and our ties to each family and friends. I accept this stage, that I chose to close the circle between us. Guilt will pop-up once a while, thus, forgiveness is given whenever I feel I am not enough.

I also learned that grief is not a linear process. 

The mind would create an image of sad situation with sad songs playing like a standard way of behaviour after a break-up, almost like you have to feel sad only. For a few times I am aware of such self judgement thoughts when I feel happy. It is very different for everyone during this period thus I only speak for myself.

I felt lighter and spacious internally. At times, songs might triggered the memories stored in the body cells, I would allow myself to feel what I needed to feel. Like everything else, this too, will eventually pass. Memories are always treasured within the heartspace. Nothing is wasted.

For now, I would love to serve. Co-creating space for people to express their inner feelings through storytelling.

Sending abundant love to one (you) who is going through the same process now. May you feel loved from within and know that you are supported. ❤ I love you.



Vic Qi Meraki









My Blessings in Life

I would love to make time to express my gratitude to these angels in life!

You made me who I am today. Credit to myself too.

Photo on 21-11-2019 at 8.29 AM

Here we go: 

Thank you dear Wei Chee for being my greatest teacher this far, I love you for who you are and even we might not able to experience life physically together now, those moments we shared of 10 years since we meet each other are cherished and treasured in a special place of the heart. I would also love to extend the love to Wei Chee’s family and friends for giving me many beautiful protected years, everyone of you are always a family member of mine, especially Wei Chee’s mum (you are forever my mum). I am sorry, please forgive me, I thank you and I love you. May all of you be happy.



Thank you dear parents for trusting the divine timing while supporting what i desired this far! Mum and dad, both of you are such beautiful angels to me, doing your best to give me the best. I love both of you to the moon and sun. Why not the stars too? Thank you for your understanding of all the odd random things I have done. May you two be blessed.



Thank you my brothers, Gin and Joon for such unconditional acceptance and support in who your sister are and what your sister do. “As long as you are happy” seems like our mantra in the family. Though the fighting days are gone (which I missed), I am truly blessed with your care, both of you. As  proud sister, may both of you feel loved always.



Thank you soul sister Zhi Ee for being with me through all the hot and cold in life. We have walked through different stages of career, relationships, and friendships in short 5 years! You have always been there to love me when I most needed, your kindness and generosity towards me never seems to ends. I love you for who you are and may we keep each other in good company, dear sister. 



Thank you dear soul sister fairy godmother Ca-Ryn for loving me and co-creating so much memories with me, I am so honoured to have a Reconnect Recharge partner like you! You are definitely an angel to many hearts, such unconditional love to all, such funny laughters and moves. We have been witness each other growth for 2 years now, you have brought me so much miracles that I knew only you can give me. May we be at peace and may we be Unicorn always! Go Cavic!

november 2019


Thank you dear soul family Shaun for giving me such energy integration I never experience before! I am counting all my blessings encountering you. Truly appreciate your love and respect towards all plus your never ending sense of humour. I see you, I hear you, and I acknowledge you. The moments we shared are the most intrigued story that I have ever written in the book called Life. May you stay grounded and laugh out loud always! Cheers to Ca-Ryn, Meir, Fiona, Antares and Anoora for sharing the life changing moments too!



Thank you dear Antares, the friendliest friend for all! The first time I saw your picture on Facebook has hooked me to visit you in Kuala Kubu Bahru, you are that powerful. I appreciate your sharing, caring, loving heart to every being. You are the sweetest yet playful soul I have encountered. I love you and your deep hugs and warm smile too! May you be blessed. =) 



Thank you dear Sean for the feminine wisdom and practical experience, I truly enjoy dancing with you, mostly the sensual time. I see you in sharing and loving us unconditionally, especially towards your beautiful children. Your smiling and laughing vibe is very contagious with such powerful heart vibes! May you and your loved ones enjoy every moment of life! Special cheers to Murali too! ❤



Thank you sisters- Dianne, Martha, Alia, Susie, Zcussi, Kayo, Shelly, Teressa, Kathy, Sharlene, Pia and all sisters from ‘Decide to Dance Daily Sisters’ and ‘Sing Yourself Free’ groups for all your beautiful co-creation to express yourself! Your participation, comments, loves and likes have been building a supporting blocks for my inner strength wall. Everyone of you are so unique yet we are so connected in many ways. I love you sister, may we feel supported and shine more!



Thank you dear Ace for giving me tickets to Murfest so that I could be apart of so many profound experience! Thank you Shobie and Nitesh plus the whole crew for making such holistic experience for the collective! Thank you all facilitators who pour your hearts into whatever you are serving and sharing, especially to the workshop I attended: Shervin, Dr. Sujata Singhi, Sean Ching Chiang, Levi Banner, Alsu, Sujata Nandy, Marie-Pierre, and Hengameh. ❤ ❤ ❤ May all beings be liberated.


Thank you dear Sujata for the beautiful Entering into Labyrinth experience, one in Murfest and one more in Ohanajo Studio’s Healing Inner Child. Such walk in the labyrinth has rewired the brain and DNA! I have replace my old habits thankfully, definitely keeping the awareness. So much heartfelt appreciation to you dear one. Samastha lokah sukhino bhavantu. May all beings be happy.



Thank you Jules Ong and Azrina for giving me your precious 3 hours time with Lindwall Releasing method, I am super thankful for Yeshe for the introduction! Appreciate both of your love and effort in releasing my pain from childhood even back to past lives. I love how we keep sharing in whatsapp group with group of friends, I feel loved. Both of you are definitely more than Earth Angels, may you and your family be blessed. 



I am super thankful to my source of light in Youtube who came to me: Steve Novel on light transmission and Matt Kahn on All For Love. I feel so much lighter, thanks to them to send light codes to the collective. I love you, I honour you and may you receive abundant light too. ❤


Forever grateful to the animal kingdom, plant kingdom, minerals kingdom, insects kingdom, celestial realms, ancestors, elders, soul family and tribe, light beings, dear spirit teams of ascended masters, spirit guides and angels. ❤ Sending infinite love to Mother Gaia and Father Sky!


Cheers to the coming beings whom we will cross path. 


Vic Qi Meraki

21st November 2019

The Lost of Wonderland


I would love to give birth to a magical heartfelt experience, if you were reading this, most probably, this is for you. Wonderland is a space where the impossible becomes possible, where miracles happen, where the only limitation is our imagination. A space created to connect our hearts and express ourselves through our inner voice and body movements.

Why is this created? To shift our focus from the mind (ego) to the heart, transforming duality to oneness and stays there longer (even integration of both), till we practise more often of connecting the wisdom from the heart-brain. This is the practical experience of ‘follow your heart’.

As wonder permits, we explore the unknown parts of us and other parts of the world freely. Moving out of the conditioning from the society, we dive into the sacred space within the hearts of ours, connect to Mother Gaia, Father Sky, animals’ and plants’ kingdom. Listening to our intuition and wisdom connecting our ancestors. Where we give ourselves permission to be free, to be ourselves fully.

I am inviting you to be a co-creator for this experience, either as the participants, co-host of live music, or the space provider. It will be a night full of music, movement, and stories. Looking forward to connect with you. =)


=> Read more about Meraki flow.

I am a cosmic dancer & storyteller. An Artist. A Performer. A Facilitator.

Focusing on

    • Awakening of the cosmic Heart & Express from it;
    • Raising Feel Good Vibration
    • Expanding Consciousness.

Thank you for your participation. =)



Honouring Recharge Time


I took 2 months of break.

I remove myself from noise.

I dive deep.

I dance and sing.

I read, meditate, and take cold bath.

I feel the pain, run away, and feel it again.

I regain my power and inner strength.

I choose to follow my heart.

I love being authentic in my expression.

I am ready to initiate and co-create.

none of this matter anyway.


-Namaya Meraki Pan