This is A Post Dedicated For Women.
How would you describe a woman?
Beautiful, sexy, cute, confident, fit, maybe. Each and every woman has her own uniqueness, a combination of different characters, a mixture of yin and yang, certain level of femininity and masculinity, we all own these. And this makes a woman attractive.
I personally adore many women in life, which own the element by being one true self, showing others who you really are – the authentic self. I love these women who speak the truth, act out as per how they feel without strings attached to their actions on how the world would perceive them, or mostly they do not judge and limit themselves as per the world’s expectations. They embrace their feminine appearance, the gift of the yin side which are able to create the art of cooking, art of beauty, and motherhood meanwhile also embracing the masculine side.
Now, my question is how can I be my authentic self?
There is a constant juggle between fulfilling my own needs and the world’s (people close to me) needs. We can talk about the society’s perspective and cultural expectation of women, but I would rather to focus on the how-can-we-free-ourselves-to-be-our-true-self part.
To dig deeper, we travels back to our childhood. I am raised to suppress and hide my feelings since young, I was told not to cry out loud and always have to behave like a good girl especially being the eldest, slowly I got this habit of crying without letting anyone knows because I thought I might annoyed others.
This is not to blame our beloved parents and caretakers for what they have not known at that moment as these traits were passed from generations where they might not be aware of the impact and it is highly likely that the same thing happened to them too.
So, growing up, we learned that we will receive affections and attention only when we suppress our feelings and be a good girl, thus these pile up emotions bring us ‘this’ perspective of life.
These “hide your feelings”, “be a good girl”, “wait forever”, “you are not good enough” have led us into a safety pattern – the shutting-it-all-out pattern. This is designed to protect us when we were young with no capability of taking care of oneself. A lot of fear of losing affections and the habit sacrificing own needs developed so we could continually be loved.
If you notice the pattern on how our anger and sadness were triggered most of the time linked back to our childhood wounds of not feeling enough, and we would normally react with anger or tears according to our designed safety pattern. And these emotional ride will be repeatedly triggered like a familiarity of “ah, it’s happening again” until we do something about it.
My trigger point comes when my mum and my partner keep nagging about the same thing, with good intentions, but this would trigger “something wrong with me” or “I am not good enough” and if I am in a tired-after-long-day mode, I would react with anger as a warning, and followed by the tears. I learned that my reaction to this trigger point falls back to one of my childhood memories. Looking at now, the good news is, I am aware of this behaviour and practicing to respond with love by realising this emotion is just a memory of the past plus the nagging does not reflect who I truly am.
Becoming The Authentic Self
Authenticity= The Courage to be Yourself.
- The first step to be my authentic self is to be aware of the past wounds, the repeated emotional ride and acknowledge there is a need for healing. Then, everything falls into place by itself. I started to listen to my inner child who was hurt back then, who constantly asking for attention and affection. When I feel hurt, I learn to be with ‘her’, and heal this inner child from within. Being able to acknowledge that we have an issue is the beginning of transformation, where the journey of healing begins. Being hurt by others is not our choice, but we can choose to heal ourselves from the repeated emotional ride.
“You cant’ change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.” -Mahatma Gandhi
2. At the same time, the second step is by expressing your own needs by speaking what you feel and telling your needs. With this, you are showing others who you really are and if you are hurt, share your feelings by expressing “ I felt hurt by your words”, quite simple but it would be hard for someone who has been suppressing it deep down. Take note on how can we express responsibly, start with “I feel..” instead of “‘your words made me feel..”, with this, we are taking 100% responsibility on our feelings instead of giving the power away to others. We would want to be fair to others by taking our fair share of responsibility but not taking other’s share of responsibility, everyone has to own their feelings.
“If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer; if you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.”
3. The third step is to show who you really are, to shine from within and then empowering women to be their true self. This does not mean you have to complete the first two step to reach the third steps, all three are happening simultaneously where we would experience the same emotions but every time we got better with awareness and response. To be an authentic woman, I am maintaining the awareness, continuously healing from within, expressing my needs. There is also one way of being authentic – what we called the wild woman.
And when you become a diamond, you will understand why life had to pressure you. =)
Wonderful week ahead.
Love and hugs,