I would spend time with mum on eating, gardening, travelling and having day to day conversations. Yet, all the above activities are on the surface level, it is rare to talk about our inner emotions and conflicts especially when it is related to our parents.
Well, this might not the case for everyone, but I am speaking for those who felt the same in term of the desire to connect deeply with our parents. In Chinese proverbs, there is a saying, those who are close to us will understand us without expressing. Yes, and no.
There are a lot of emotions suppressed within each of us, since we were young, what parents said to us, what teachers taught us, what friends talk about us, what bosses and colleagues tells us, what our lover think about us, all these mold us into who we are. With every person emits different energy in different situation, who we think we are today are hugely told by others.
Maybe it is time for a heart-to-heart session with mum.
When I was young, I dislike some of my mum’s action, and when I did not receive certain attention, I would deem myself as unlovable daughter. When I receive the same nags again and again, I would deem it is my problem. When I receive not-so-good critics, I would deem something is wrong with me. When I made unreasonable request which upset mum, I would felt terribly guilty, especially when mum cried.
All these emotions are not taught to release but to suppress. And, often, I would blame my parents who did not provide what we wanted, I would blame parents for my weakness, I would give them hell days and we suffered together. I take my imperfection as parent’s wrongdoing, but today, I learn to own my responsibilities.
I started with forgiveness. I forgive mum and dad for all the not-so-good emotions, actions and words from them, I know that they have done their best at that time. Then, I forgive myself for causing all that problems, disappointments, arguments, and heartache to them, for that I know I did my best in controlling my own emotions.
Now, I love them more than ever and I learn to love myself more than ever too.
1st Way: Forgive Your Mum & Yourself
So the first way is forgiveness. Choose to accept what had happen, choose to forgive your parents, choose to forgive yourself back then. Because you deserve happiness. I understand there will be parents who are unloving to us since young, who have not been showing love to us, thus could lead us with certain anger issue, insecurity, and compulsive control issue.
“Those who hurt are usually hurting.”
Let go of the past resentments, let go of the mistakes both parties had. It is easier said than done because it is easier to blame one party for all the bad stuff. Trust me, when you own your responsibility 100% on what you can control, learn that when others’ give you (tantrum, critics etc) is out of your control, what you can control is to either ‘take it in and react’ or ‘don’t take it in and respond’.
What others’ are saying to you is their reflection on themselves, say some of our parents would critic us so bad, yes with good intention to improve but not in the right way. Often, we would feel so bad about ourselves as we listened to them and believed what they said about us is right. But, look at the parent’s side of reflection, they must have been treated the same way by their parents or caretakers. Notice that they must have been suffering too. This way of parenting has been passed on for years, without awareness of the impact of such behaviour, this will go on and on.
You have a choice.
When we are aware of this, first, accept the past, for what had happened, stop wishing for a better history. Then, heal yourself first. You may consider to do an Inner Child Healing Meditation where you revisit the past scene where it hurts you the most, be with your inner child, tell them you are there for them and you love them, all is well. Personally recommend to listen to this track from Jason Stephanson: Inner Child: Guided Meditation, Spoken word Meditation, Visualization, Healing Relaxation for peace.
Mum, dad, me and you, we are all humans, we have good and bad. We are doing our best with what we know at every moment. Acknowledge that our parents have done their best with what they know at that time, choose to forgive them and yourself, even when they are not here anymore.
There are many ways in releasing these emotions, you may write it all down with no filter and throw it away. Or you may talk to a tree about all your emotions and let it go to the earth. Choose a way to let it out, you may find your anger issue is soften.
Let it all go.
2nd Way: Be Grateful & Let Your Mum Know
I think the first thing that I am grateful to mum is that mum and dad brought me here, to this beautiful Earth and have siblings to grow up with in a warm home in countryside. Too often, we forgot that being born + being alive are the best thing to be grateful for. To be able to experience life in so many ways, interact with beautiful people, and be who we are today.
Expressing gratefulness daily is the key to happiness. One way to connect deeper to mum would be telling her how lucky you are to be here, how thankful you are to have her, how great she is. This would totally melt her heart. Best way is by writing down which she is able to keep it for future reading, serve as a reminder for her to know that she has someone who appreciate her for who is is and what she has done.
Besides making her feel good, it would definitely be one of your reminder to appreciate her more. Double triple the love effect, we have, creating ripples of love. Why not?
Now, pick up a pen (or type it to her) and let your mum know, because she deserves it.
3rd Way: Invite Mum to Self Love & Self Acceptance
When do mum make time for herself?
I noticed most of the mums gave their 101% to their children, to her family, she would eat the remaining food scrubs, she would take care of herself the least and repeat the same condition every day, maybe stop when one retires. That would be my mum, until recently she knows how to take care of herself first. I am so grateful for that.
Because most of us have not been brought up to recognise the power and importance of self-love, even less so when we become parents. Self-love can be physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological.
For mum who did not practise self love is the one who needed to recharge quite often because one would overwork oneself, and might have higher health risk, thus in the end, one does not do good to any parties involved.
So, let’s start by loving ourselves and invite our mum to love and accept themselves for who they are. Acknowledge her inner beauty and outer beauty.
Fill our cup first, what’s overflowing is for others.
Start to honour our own needs, in this case, mum’s needs, start a yoga practise every morning, take time off for grooming, travel whichever site one favours. It is a daily practise where mum start to honour their needs first, enough of ‘sacrificing willingly for the sake of family’, if mum don’t feel like cooking, it’s fine, just eat in a restaurant.
There are so many ways like say ‘no’ when you don’t feel like it, get enough sleep, express your needs, request help from children, accept money and gifts from children, treat your body well by eating right and exercising and take time off for yourself without feeling guilty.
There is a thin line between self full and self fish. It is time for lot’s of self love to all mums out there.
These are my messages to my mum too.
To My loved ones:
Mummy, you are so beautiful as you are, from within to outside, you are so unique you know, with all your effort and love, so in love with the your childish actions. You are our light in the house. Mum, I know you have done your best every single time, thank you so much for so many years of selfless hard work for this family, it’s time to let go of this family’s responsibility, worry less of your children, and do what you love. I love you for who you are, forever. Keep that laughs and shines. – Your Daughter
As for my another mum, thank you for all your effort and hardwork in raising 3 children by yourself, you have given all you had back then to make sure all your babies are well taken care of even until now. Taken up so much on your shoulder, still working very hard to give what you can to your children, I am so touched. Every single wrinkles and white hairs has it story behind. You are such a brave and independent mum. I love you and thank you for taking care of me like your daughter. – Your half daughter.
As I have written this, I felt closer to my mum by removing the invisible threads I was still holding on too. May you connect deeper with your mum and dad, may this be a beautiful beginning for you and your beloved mum.
Infinite love & blessings,